i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
