If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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