i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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