Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
