I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
