I could make wine with my vomit
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
