I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize