My sheets look like a crime scene.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
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i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
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I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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