I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
