I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
