8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
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I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
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He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize