uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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