Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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