see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
