This is not my ceiling
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
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He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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