i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
