somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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