I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
