i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
