I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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