she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
