I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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