so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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