so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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