tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
