So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
