My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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