i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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