I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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