can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
we're making bets on your personal life
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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