In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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