You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
