i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
