My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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