are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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