My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
