I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
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so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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