Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Randomize
