I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
