Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
