I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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