where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
