Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Randomize
