It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
