I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
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My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
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I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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