I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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