I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i will never coherently bang her
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
