Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
