Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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