What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
