On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
