I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
